On December 7th La Presse touched on a touchy issue; the way immigrant parents discipline their children.
For years, I have been hearing immigrants saying that parents in Quebec are overly indulgent with their children. On the hand, some Quebeckers seem to think that immigrants are tyrannical with their progeny. Who’s right, Quebeckers or immigrants?
Striking cultural shock
I’m not ashamed to say that as a kid, I received slaps when I misbehaved. Most immigrants in my entourage recall with humor and nostalgia how their parents would give them similar treatment. Like the Moroccan humorist Gad Elmaleh likes to put it “the thing that has always struck me about by father was its hands”. Growing up, I have come to appreciate the fact that my parents disciplined me when it was necessary because today I have good manners and I’m not egocentric.
Are all immigrants as reasonable with their children? To answer this question, it would be good to determine first what makes a discipline reasonable or excessive. The answer depends on the culture of the parents.
We have to know that in some cultures, people consider that slapping someone with a slipper or locking a kid in his room is less humiliating than slapping a kid with hands.
Cécile Rousseau, child psychiatrist specializing in ethnocultural approach
Abusive parents, children’s false testimony
Families who immigrate to a new country are inevitably subjected to “a lot of stress, new values and discrimination”. Confronted with Quebec values, it seems that some young immigrants start to question the way their parents have always disciplined them. What seemed acceptable in their home country may not be well seen here. Thus, a lot of immigrants take undue advantage of this culture gap to report maltreatment.
On the other hand, it goes without saying that some parents do not pull their punches when they discipline their kids. And that’s where the Québec society is obviously right. Children that are getting beaten up must be protected. Even if some immigrants give their culture as a pretext, we have to understand that beating a child until he bleeds is considered to be a crime no matter what country the family is from. As the saying goes, “long way, long lies”.
But how do we know when the children are lying or when the parents are really using excessive discipline?
Jean
février 11, 2012
About time you wrote something, hisbisciusjaune!
There, that’s my verbal scolding/lashing.
I grew up in a family where spanking on the bum did occur occasionally. It was more my mother yelling at us. Which is a form of abuse if it’s done alot..which she did. But then the opposite occcurred where she did protect us from others, etc.
My father is fluently bilingual in Chinese -English and reads the mainstream Canadian news. From that he learned that hitting people on the head is not a good idea…not that they did but the temptation is powerful when a parent is tired/stressed, etc.
So the rule of thumb became, only occasionally hitting on the bum. The older kids, meaning me, were instructed on this also.
My sisters discipline their children quite differently…they impose time-outs where the kid in throes of temper tantrums /necessary punishment, they are asked to leave and calm down in a room by themselves….
What perhaps needs to be is the understanding that children have to understand quickly that their actions may exceed boundaries and take consequences, so parents have to find a way that doesn’t hurt the child but clearly changes the child’s behaviour to better one.
I’m not sure why there is the focus on immigrant parents anyway. What, Canadian parents don’t abuse? Come on…how silly.
hibiscusjaune
février 12, 2012
Uhm Canadian parents? It’s hard to give a categoric answer. I’ve seen Canadian parents who are balanced but a lot immigrants believe that Canadian (or Western) parents are too lax and that they spoil their children. Culture has a lot to do with this perception.
Have you heard of Amy Chua? She’s an Harvard graduate from Illinois and the author of the book Battle Hymn of of the Tiger Mother. Apparently the book demonstrates the superiority of Chinese approach to parenting. I bet other cultures can relate because as far as I am concerned people from Asia, Middle-East, Africa and even South America have a little something in common when it comes to family values. I suggest you read this interview of Amy Chua with Oprah.
hibiscusjaune
février 12, 2012
Oh and I appreciate your taking the time to visit my blog and scold me. It’s always a pleasure and yes I’m being slow with my posts. Too many ideas and very little time.
Jean
février 18, 2012
Yes, I read about Amy Chua, the tiger mom in the U.S. You know I disagree with the notion of any parent browbeating (figuratively, not physically) their children to achieve, achieve on their terms.
What is most useful for children, is that the parents themselves consistently try and work hard without always expecting much fanfare. But the parents take time to tell stories and listen to the children.
We were raised by parents who pinned their hopes on their children we had to achideve acaedemically, etc. but it can take a serious toll on the child’s self-esteem where sometimes one unnecesessarily is questioning oneself too much, etc.